Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries

This book is NOT about harsh punishement but rather teaches respectful limit setting, which is an essential teaching tool. It teaches parents to give children clear, respectful messages to convey the necessary information for the child to make acceptable choices. To focus on the behaviour in a way that does not belittle, criticize or shame the child. Although parents may genuinely feel that they are giving a clear "Stop" message to their child, they are sometimes unwittingly giving a yellow or even green light to unwanted behaviours. The strong-willed child interprets these vague massages as "Optional requests" or learns only that the behaviour upsets or angers the parent. This may lead to increased limit testing to see where the boundaries really are, especially if they enjoy making us jump and yell. It sometimes seems that Strong-willed children need to learn everything the hard way by agressivly testing all limits or restrictions (much more than compliant children) to see where the bottom line really is. They are aggressive researchers who leave parents little room for ineffective discipline. There is not much to prepare a parent for dealing with a strong-willed child, and unfortunately they tend to bring out the worst qualities in parents. A child that can argue and debate like a courtroom attorney, develop sudden hearing loss, or dawdle until you are late for work. Parents easily fall into ineffectual ruts of predictable reaction based on our own upbringing and parenting assumptions.

The good news is that the solution usually involves doing much less than what the parent is probably doing at present. You must accept and acknowledge that this is part of the childs personality/temperament, and that they will always need a little more structure and consistancy than compliant chidren. It does not mean they can't learn to cooperate and observe family rules. This book shows parents how and "WHEN" to negotiate rules, what behaviours should be ignored, which ones must be corrected and most importantly "How to do it!".

The most impressive part of all the books I've read by Robert J MacKenzie, is the weath of realistic examples. Every point is thoroughly illustrated for clarity, with discipline scenarios which all parents can readily idenetify with. There are sections on motivating your strong-willed child, encouraging independence, teaching skills, and role-modeling

The entire book is aimed at teaching your child self control. Some books on the challenging children seem more focused on avoiding conflict and undulging the child, which might be great for the short-term, but how can it possibly prepare the child for the real world.

I would also highly recommend reading the book "The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids" by Swihart and Cotter.

Out of the dozens of parenting books I've read, "Setting Limits" is certainly one of the best written and sound discipline books for strong-willed children.


Highly recommended   September 20, 2004
Michael Katz (Seattle, WA USA)
119 out of 120 found this review helpful

It is amazing how well this very great, very practical book documents typical family interactions. All of the examples are very realistic, and reading them makes you say, "Yes, exactly, that's exactly what happens with me and my child." By simply drawing these interactions out on a timeline, MacKenzie shows how much effort can go into verbal sparring with your child, and how this sparring is an insidious, counter-productive, and self-perpetuating process. I learned some simple lessons from this book that fundamentally changed for the better the way I interact with my 9 year old daughter.

First, some kids, for a variety of reasons, are strong-willed, and in most cases it's nobody's fault they are that way. So get over worrying about why your kid is strong willed. Parents who were compliant children themselves can be especially puzzled by their strong-willed children, and want to look for an answer to "what went wrong?" But in most cases nothing went wrong.

Second, when strong-willed kids challenge your rules with defiant/testing behavior, it is very easy to see the whole thing as a power struggle that they are constantly drawing you into as part of a sinister plot to make your life as unpleasant as possible. In contrast, MacKenzie very helpfully suggests that, when you child tests and challenges, you simply remind yourself that your child is strong-willed, and the way strong-willed childred learn about the world is to test limits. The purpose of testing these limits is not to make your life hell. It is their way of genuinely *asking* the question, is this thing I'm doing okay? That's their job, to ask questions about behavior in this way -- it's how they learn how the world works. So your job as a parent is to answer that question (usually the answer is "no") as clearly and consistently as possible, and to patiently answer it as many times as is necessary for the lesson to be learned. The kid tests, you reply with the clear answer, everybody's just doing their job.

Third, all of this can be done in an incredibly respectful way that is not punitive, threatening, or patronizing, without yelling or spanking. MacKenzie guides you through it step by step, using examples that ring true because they come from regular old real life.

If you are frustrated by your interactions with your strong-willed/difficult/defiant child, this book could very well make your life and your child's life much better.


The bible of discipline   December 29, 2002
72 out of 73 found this review helpful

I bought this book after being fustrated with my very strong willed 20 month old. It's not really geared towards toddlers but it applies all the parenting and discipline principals you need to use it on a toddler. It teaches you what parenting style you are and how it will relate to your childs attitude and then how to adjust the two to work together. I truly think this book has saved my life and both my husband and my sanity. We implemented the time out's as the book explains and after 1 week we saw a huge difference in our son. We no longer needed to raise our voice or smack his bottom to get a response from him. He would tune us out if we didn't. After the first week of using these methods he reverted and tested us more but the book says this is normal and by the third week we were finally getting another turn around in his behavior and responses. He no longer kicked and punched or bit when he was having a tantrum and if we asked him to stop playing with something that was off limits he would weight the consequences and 50% of the time test us to see if we would follow through with the time out. After 8 weeks I am proud to say he is an angel child. Temper tantrums are almost non existent and if you ask him to stop doing something he stops because he knows that we will follow through with the consequence (ie. time out or taking something away from him.) I am now telling everyone I know about this book. This book is not just for strong willed children it would work on any child and the chapter on different parenting styles is the key. I learned I was actually fueling a lot of the conflicts with my son. It helped me to see that both my husband and I had as much changing to do as we expected from our son. I also like that you achieve this with no yelling and no hitting. It's all based on consisitency. We hope everyone has as much good luck as we have had with this book.


Simple, down-to-Earth advice   November 17, 2003
31 out of 31 found this review helpful

Dr. MacKenzie provides an excellent guide to grow healthy, well-adapted children. I read the book with interest when trying to cope with my strong-willed eight-year-old son. I could see that my discipline methods were not being effective. Resistance was increasing and I could see how difficult it was going to be trying to discipline him when he reached adolescence.

I followed the author's advice not to change your ways until finishing the book. I am glad I did. Please be patient. As you read the book, you will be anxious to try his methods. Please wait and you will get all the tools you need to change the way you communicate with your child.

The book takes you through the different discipline methods people use and explains why they are ineffective. It helps you understand why you use those methods and what you can do to change. It also covers simple ways to correct your message so your child understands it.

In a few words, the book teaches you to be send clear messages, set firm limits, and be consistent.

I started using Dr. MacKenzie's suggestions and my son's responses have changed dramatically. I do not hear "It's a free country!!" anymore. Our relationship has changed from constant tension to a more relaxed and happy environment.

I still slip once in a while and I immediately notice it. I wrote the main points in a couple of 3x5 cards to remember them. It takes practice being a good father. I encourage you to practice Dr. MacKenzie's advice. You will be glad you did.